CHAPTER 1


The following is taking directly from my new book ‘The Queerification of America’  – by me, Big Dave.

CHAPTER 1

GOD JUST SAID, “FUCK IT”


Assuming that you bought this book your loser ass probably has zero confidence. God just said, “Fuck it!  There isn’t enough man parts for these next fucking retards. I’ll just reach in to the hooker drawer and finish them off with some women parts.” Someone that has no confidence is not even worthy of knowing the name of my book. Let alone read it. In order to be able to read “The Queerification of America, one must gain confidence and Big Dave has a bullet proof plan to boost your confidence.

BIG DAVE’S BULLET PROOF PLAN TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE:

1.         ACCEPT THAT YOU SUCK: Yes, that’s right. It all starts by accepting the fact that you are indeed a moron. With no muscles, no tan, no dick, no balls. You don’t have a fast car, you suck, and you take up all the good oxygen that real men need to breathe. You just suck at life.

2.         PREPARE: In order to relive (Step 3 of Big Dave’s Bullet Proof Plan) any part of your life. You first have to know what you did wrong during those crucial times of your life and know how to fix them.

3.  RELIVE: Now that you accepted that you’re a loser and you prepared yourself on how to become a winner. The next step is to put it all in action. Replace all those loser memories with winner memories.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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Men and Navigation Systems


Why Men shouldn’t use Navigation Systems

3. Men don’t need directions

2. Men shouldn’t take orders from a woman

1. Any man who trusts a woman’s sense of direction over his own is a pussy

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Women Hate Sex


Women Hate Sex

Big Dave is sick of coming across these stupid so-called “man” websites- sites littered with tips and advice on “how to please your woman” or “how to stop pre-maturely ejaculating.” Listen you PUSSIES, there’s no pile driving, bear hugging, hip thrusting, sex move that will please your woman. There’s no technique to get you from blowing your load early. There’s no penis on this great big green Earth that’s big enough to please your woman…Now I know some of you might be saying, “That’s not true, I always make my girl orgasm.” Well you’re wrong! About 90 percent of women hate having sex with men. They just fake their orgasms and they’re actually really good at it. Take Meg Ryan in the movie “When Harry met Sally,” where Meg’s character fakes an orgasm in front of Billy Crystal in that restaurant. To this day her role as Sally is the only role in which I found the woman lead to be somewhat believable. I found her believable because faking an orgasm is second nature to most women. It came natural to her and she came off very believable.  But when women take on a roles such as; a bad ass female Russian Spy who beats the shit out of men (Angelina Jolie in Salt), or a blonde who gets accepted into Law School for her brains and not her looks (Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde), or a woman who’s a mysterious assassin that dresses in latex and uses two Sais for weapons (Jennifer Garner in Elektra), these roles are not believable at all. Women are only good in roles where they fake orgasms like Meg Ryan, or where they play escorts like Julia Roberts, or where they play exotic dancers like Demi Moore.

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Something to Ponder Over…


Why does corn keep showing up in my stool – when I’m allergic to it?

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The Good Wife’s Guide


The Good Wife’s Guide

The following was taken from the 1955 issue of Housekeeping Monthly and it’s freaking awesome. No wonder the divorce rate was so low back then.

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
  • Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home later or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
  • Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
  • Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place.
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Justin Beaver Gets Punked


It would’ve been cooler if she threw a monkey wrench at that son of bitch.

It would’ve been a lot cooler if she threw a monkey wrench at that son of a bitch and then jumped on stage and beat the crap out of him.

It would’ve been a whole lot cooler if she threw a monkey wrench at that son of a bitch and then jumped on stage, beat the crap out of him and then choked him untill he was dead.

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Rare Photos of Snooki


Very rare photos of Snooki – The untalented skank from the Jersey Shore
Images taken from ” Life Before The Shore” Documentary –   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lZ9cn7Nqqc

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Watch the “Life Before The Shore” Documentary –   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lZ9cn7Nqqc

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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No More Gladiator Sandals!


ATTN. Men! I’m sure you’re aware of these new gladiator sandals that women are wearing. Your girlfriend or wife probably owns a pair and I’m sure you have wanted to ask her, “Why the fuck are you wearing sandals that Leonidas wore in Sparta?” But you just let it slide because you know how sensitive they are and you don’t want to start a Holy war. Big Dave thinks we should start a Holy war. He is under the impression that this stupid little fad is the tip of the iceberg. Think about it, most men probably sit there with their mouths shut as their women parades around in these hideous sandals. The women are probably thinking, “Hmmm…If I can get away wearing these Gladiator Man sandals, what else can I get away with? Maybe I don’t have to shave my legs anymore. Maybe I don’t have to wear G-strings anymore or maybe I can become a fat ass.” So speak up you dumb fucks! Next time your girl comes out of the room and asks you how she looks – tell her she looks like a Gladiator and all she needs is a sword and a fucking shield to make it official.

Let us ban together and stop these women from wearing ugly shit. Women use to want to impress men with the clothes they wore. Do you think tight mini-skirts and 6 inch heels are comfortable? Hell No! They only wore this because they wanted to get our attention. We took this hooker phase for granted. As men we should have been complimenting them every minute because, now look what they are wearing. If you need a reminder of how good we once had it – let Big Dave remind you.

Women use to wear Rocketdogs .

Women use to match their bras and panties. (Nowadays we just hope we don’t get one of those ugly beige looking bras.)

Women took the time to wear makeup. (Now they just wear those huge sun glasses to cover up their ugly faces.)

Women wore mini skirts. (What the Hell happened to Mini Skirts?)

Women wore white Tank Tops –

Women’s G-strings use to show.

Women use to wear these pants that made any ass look good.

And these cotton shorts that they all use to wear…

Men let us ban together and put an end to this Gladiator fad and bring back the Hooker fad.  Because the last time I checked this isn’t aincent Rome.  This is America and in America our women are supposed to look like hookers.

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Poop


I was taking my morning shit today and as I STOOD UP to wipe my ass…I stopped and began to wonder – Is there other ways to wipe an ass? Does everyone stand up to wipe or am I the only one?  Please take my poll  and help me answer this question.

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Baseball Sucks!


Thank God Football Season is Near because Baseball Sucks

I’ve been seeing the same damn plays on Sportscenter’s Top 10 for 3 freaking months now. Every single play is either a walk off home run or a diving catch. I feel like I’m fucking Phil Connors in Groundhog Day. They say baseball is our country’s pastime? But baseball is the last thing I want to watch when I want to pass time. There are a million things I would rather do to pass time than watch a 3 hour long baseball game.

A Few Things I Would Rather do Than Watch Baseball

  1. I would rather stick my dick in a meat grinder.
  2. I would rather strap fresh meat on my ass and run bare ass naked in bear invested woods.
  3. I would rather put on a white sheet and pointy hat and walk through the streets of South Central.
  4. I would rather watch Zac Efron’s new movie Charlie St. Cloud.
  5. I would rather have sex with Snooki from the Jersey Shore…with no rubbers.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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