BIG DAVE’S TEN THINGS HE WANTS TO BUTT FUCK:


I forgot to turn my TV off last night and this morning I was awakened by the sight of another Goddamn, unfunny, queer, Michael fucking Cera movie trailer. It ruined my whole morning. I got so damn mad that I made up a “Top Ten list” called Big Dave’s Top Ten Things he wants to *Butt Fuck.

*Butt fuck: Big Dave uses the term butt fuck in many ways 1. Sexually: Like, “damn I really want to butt fuck that hot girl over there.” 2. Vindictively: Like, “Man, I hate Starbucks. I want to butt fuck Starbucks.” 3. As an Adjective: “Yo, I want to butt fuck this cheese burger right here.” Or “This ice cream is so good that I would butt fuck it.”

With that said I will be using the term butt fuck in the 2nd variety not sexually or as an adjective. Now that we got all the logistics out to the way – let’s get back to my list.

BIG DAVE’S TEN THINGS HE WANTS TO BUTT FUCK:

10. EMO’s: I’m sure you’ve seen one by now, they’re everywhere. You can spot them by their skin tight butt hugging jeans, other queer clothing, piercings, black hair, make up. I haven’t gotten close enough to discover their gender. They could be real ugly girls because they wear make up or they could be real queer looking boys. Maybe they’re Transsexuals, I don’t know.
9. The WNBA: What kind of world are we living in, when the sports channels get rid of hockey and replace it with women playing basketball? I wouldn’t watch the WNBA if they replaced the players with hookers from Hustler, they got rid of the uniforms and made them play in their g-strings, and they got rid of the basketball and replaced it with a dildo….Okay maybe I would watch that.
8. Gays on TV: Why can’t gays be more like Corky from “Life goes on?” Corky was a retard actor on one of the greatest shows ever made. Ever since Corky there hasn’t been another retard on TV and do you hear anyone complaining? No you don’t, not the retards, not anyone. Gays on other hand haven’t been on a show half as good as “Life goes on.” Yet they remain on television… not for their talent but for their ability to bitch and complain.
7. The Clean-Shaven Fad: When I was growing up everyone had facial hair, now everyone is clean shaven. We use to have names for people like that – we called them PUSSIES. BOOm!
6. Voicemails: Let me rephrase that, voicemails left on my phone by women aka hookers (My mother included but my mother is not hooker). No mother is a hooker only Justin Bieber’s mother is). Why do women feel the need to blab their asses off on my answering machine?
5. Women who do this to you when you’re talking: I fucking hate when women do this. There was a time in this country when women wouldn’t dare do something this disrespectful – it was before we decided to let them have rights.
4. The W.W.E: When the fuck did they change the WWF to the WWE? Man, butt fuck the WWE it sucks. All these new queer looking wrestlers, what happen to Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, LOD, Bushwackers, Rowdy Rowdy Piper, Queen Elizabeth. FYI Queen Elizabeth was a lady not a hooker. Queen Elizabeth didn’t attempt to wrestle, like these hookers in the WWE. So with that said – I want to butt fuck the shit out of the WWE and I want to butt fuck Queen Elizabeth.
3. Signs/Instructions in Spanish or any language that ain’t English: Last time I checked I lived in America and we speak English here. Big Dave wants to butt fuck all the signs, instructions, phone operators, that are in Spanish. Butt fuck them so hard that when he is done, the only language they know is English.
2. Michael Cera’s Movies: No Explanation needed.
1. Michael Cera: I hate this little bastard more than I hate the Al Qaeda. Go to hell, Michael Cera.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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