Advice For Women


Clean the house with a smile so often women do housework complaining and bitching while they go. Sure housework is a tedious task but remember it’s not nearly as stressful as what a man does everyday.

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I forgot to turn my TV off last night and this morning I was awakened by the sight of another Goddamn, unfunny, queer, Michael fucking Cera movie trailer. It ruined my whole morning. I got so damn mad that I made up a “Top Ten list” called Big Dave’s Top Ten Things he wants to *Butt Fuck.

*Butt fuck: Big Dave uses the term butt fuck in many ways 1. Sexually: Like, “damn I really want to butt fuck that hot girl over there.” 2. Vindictively: Like, “Man, I hate Starbucks. I want to butt fuck Starbucks.” 3. As an Adjective: “Yo, I want to butt fuck this cheese burger right here.” Or “This ice cream is so good that I would butt fuck it.”

With that said I will be using the term butt fuck in the 2nd variety not sexually or as an adjective. Now that we got all the logistics out to the way – let’s get back to my list.


10. EMO’s: I’m sure you’ve seen one by now, they’re everywhere. You can spot them by their skin tight butt hugging jeans, other queer clothing, piercings, black hair, make up. I haven’t gotten close enough to discover their gender. They could be real ugly girls because they wear make up or they could be real queer looking boys. Maybe they’re Transsexuals, I don’t know.
9. The WNBA: What kind of world are we living in, when the sports channels get rid of hockey and replace it with women playing basketball? I wouldn’t watch the WNBA if they replaced the players with hookers from Hustler, they got rid of the uniforms and made them play in their g-strings, and they got rid of the basketball and replaced it with a dildo….Okay maybe I would watch that.
8. Gays on TV: Why can’t gays be more like Corky from “Life goes on?” Corky was a retard actor on one of the greatest shows ever made. Ever since Corky there hasn’t been another retard on TV and do you hear anyone complaining? No you don’t, not the retards, not anyone. Gays on other hand haven’t been on a show half as good as “Life goes on.” Yet they remain on television… not for their talent but for their ability to bitch and complain.
7. The Clean-Shaven Fad: When I was growing up everyone had facial hair, now everyone is clean shaven. We use to have names for people like that – we called them PUSSIES. BOOm!
6. Voicemails: Let me rephrase that, voicemails left on my phone by women aka hookers (My mother included but my mother is not hooker). No mother is a hooker only Justin Bieber’s mother is). Why do women feel the need to blab their asses off on my answering machine?
5. Women who do this to you when you’re talking: I fucking hate when women do this. There was a time in this country when women wouldn’t dare do something this disrespectful – it was before we decided to let them have rights.
4. The W.W.E: When the fuck did they change the WWF to the WWE? Man, butt fuck the WWE it sucks. All these new queer looking wrestlers, what happen to Hulk Hogan, the Ultimate Warrior, Macho Man Randy Savage, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, LOD, Bushwackers, Rowdy Rowdy Piper, Queen Elizabeth. FYI Queen Elizabeth was a lady not a hooker. Queen Elizabeth didn’t attempt to wrestle, like these hookers in the WWE. So with that said – I want to butt fuck the shit out of the WWE and I want to butt fuck Queen Elizabeth.
3. Signs/Instructions in Spanish or any language that ain’t English: Last time I checked I lived in America and we speak English here. Big Dave wants to butt fuck all the signs, instructions, phone operators, that are in Spanish. Butt fuck them so hard that when he is done, the only language they know is English.
2. Michael Cera’s Movies: No Explanation needed.
1. Michael Cera: I hate this little bastard more than I hate the Al Qaeda. Go to hell, Michael Cera.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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The All-White vs. The All-Black Basketball Game

The All-White vs. The All-Black Basketball Game

I was shooting some hoops this morning at the local rec center. I witnessed the sorriest thing I’ve ever seen. I witnessed twenty or so grown men standing in awe at the sight of a couple of spooks, wearing baggy shorts, doo rags, and Nike Airs. This behavior is so typical for white people. They get intimated by the mere sight of a black person especially on the basketball court. Sure spooks can jump higher than shit and they might know some crazy dribbling techniques – but most spooks nowadays can’t shoot for shit. They have no fundamentals and they wouldn’t know how to play real basketball to save their lives. I wanted to beat these guys so bad- but my ACL started acting up when the game was about to start.  So I just went home iced my knee and dreamt up an all white, all American-born basketball team that could match up against an all black team. It would be just like the basketball game in American History X.  Except none of these white guys are racists. Well maybe Larry Bird…he did sign every white player in the NBA to play on his Indiana Pacers.

Ground Rules: I took Michael Jordan and Kobe off the black team because they don’t act black. They both talk white. Kobe rapes white chicks and was born in Italy. Jordan plays golf and owns an NBA franchise. I’m also moving Karl Malone to the white team because he acts whiter than most white people I know…Oh and Karl Malone won’t let Magic play in the game because he has AIDS.

The Teams: All players are in their  primes.

The Black Team:

Led by Chris Anderson

Chris Anderson (Blackest White Guy Ever)

Starters: C. Dwight Howard PF. Kevin Garnet SF. LeBron James SG. Dwyane Wade PG. Chris Paul

Bench: Shaq, Paul Peirce, Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony, Rajon Rando, Chris Anderson

The White Team:

Led by Karl Malone

Karl Malone (Whitest Black Guy Ever)

Starters: C. Bill Walton PF. Kevin Mchale SF. Larry Bird SG. Chris Mullen PG. John Stockon

Bench: Mark Price, Tom Chambers, Jack Sikma, Danny Ainge, Bill Laimbeer, Karl Malone and Big Dave

Outcome: Whites: 123 Blacks: 109: Too many egos on the Black team. LeBron chokes like he always chokes. Paul Peirce fakes an injury, cries, and gets carted out on a wheelchair. The Whites have a good balance of star players and role players. They control the boards and their ball movement is solid.

Stars of the Game: Larry Legend gets a triple double (30 10 and 10) and Big Dave drops 25pts and 12 rebs off the bench.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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I Masturbated to my Top Ten Sexiest Sex Offenders List and That Wasn’t so Weird.

A couple of weeks ago I compiled a list of My Top Ten Sexiest Female Sex Offenders. Check it out and see if you agree with how I ranked these beautiful rapists. (I’m going to disregard numbers 10-6 because they are ugly, I must have been drunk, horny, or high on peyote when I made this.)

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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You say Metrosexual, I say Homosexual:

1. You have a bunch of hot female friends, that are JUST friends

you say you’re metro…I say you’re a homo.

2. Your jeans look like this

you say they’re metro…I say they’re homo.

3. You love talking on the phone to anyone who will listen.

you say that’s metro…I say that’s homo.

4. You don’t go out with your friends to get drunk. You go out to DANCE.

You say that’s metro…I say you’re a homo

5. You use the following symbols and abbreviations in your texts:

semicolon frown face, semicolon happy face, semicolon P, OMG, OMFG, IDK

you say it’s metro…I say it’s homo.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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Masturbating to The Food Channel = A Good Time

I was channel surfing yesterday and I landed on Everyday Italian on the Food Network I soon had the sudden urge to masturbate…This got me thinking – who’s the hottest woman on the Food Network.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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The X-games Flasher

I know your first instinct is going to tell you to keep an eye on the big tittied women in torquise but you need to keep your eye on the little black boy in the corner telling her to take her top off. Look how excited he gets when she finally does..I had the same reaction sitting in front of my computer. I can only imagine how exciting it was to be there live.

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How to Fix Women’s Sports: Basketball

Big Dave’s Steps to Fix the WNBA

1. Replace 10 foot rims with Fisher Price Hoops.
2. Replace all players with hookers or escorts because all WNBA players are ugly.
3. Put roofies in their Gatorade
4. Make them play in G-strings

If you don’t follow these rules and you keep the WNBA the way it is – then please take it off ESPN and put it on Lifetime. And one more thing put this animal in a cage or in the NBA before she kills someone.

No woman should be able to dunk like Dwight Howard.

She even makes Shaq look like a bitch.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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Something to Ponder Over…

If you spin an Oriental guy around does he become dis-oriental?

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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The Queerification of America

Now before Perez Hilton, Doogie Howser, and other gays get their panties all in a bunch. Let me explain what I mean when I say Queerification. First of all, Queerification is in no way a derogatory term towards homosexuals. It’s just the term I use to explain the gradual increase of Estrogen in the young men of America. They are so damn soft – I don’t know why the Hell we’re teaching them to stay away from steroids? The last thing our estrogen crammed boys need is less testosterone.

The Queerification of America started somewhere around the early 1970s with the invention of disco. It grew gradually each decade becoming more and more queer with each passing decade. This decade is queerer than shit.

Proof That This Generation is Feeling the Queerification the Worst:

1. Breast Milk: With all the damn chemicals and other crap that is in our food, milk, and water, we can’t even trust titty milk anymore because women ingest all this estrogen filled crap and feed it to our little boys. (For all you fathers out there, I suggest you spike your wife’s titty milk with some testosterone…No I’m fucking with you or maybe I’m not.)

2. Puberty: Puberty has always been Mother Nature’s way of turning boys into men. Puberty isn’t working anymore, puberty needs help. Boys DON’T turn into men after puberty. Nowadays boys turn into a mix between Clay Akin and that one womanly looking kid from the movies; Juno, Year One and Superbad. (Someone please give me that kid’s name, so I can write him a threatening letter to never make another movie again.)

3. The Divorce Rate: The male figures in many boys life’s are missing. It’s hard to blame the men because I know how ANNOYING women are but this shouldn’t be an excuse. You made the poor decision to get married and a real man should stick to his word. As a man you have a duty as a father to teach your son how to be a man. It’s also your duty to read him all my articles each night before he goes to bed. So he doesn’t turn out to be a pussy like you or God forbid, he turns into someone like Hitler… Hitler did not have strong male figure in his life. Hitler was raised by a single mother. Look how he turned out.

4. Fashion: They wear skinny jeans, guy liner, and pierce the shit out of their faces.

5. The creation of EMOs: They have no muscles,  they hate sports, they wear makeup, they cut their wrists, and they are extremely emotional –  That should be all the proof you need to know that the youth are filled with Estrogen.

6. Entertainment: How did we become so damn SOFT?

I have complied two lists. The first list is the idols of old manlier America. The second is a list of idols of new more womanly America.

Manly America (Yesteryear)

John Wayne

Clint Eastwood

Frank Sinatra


Johnny Cash

Womanly America (Today)

That one kid motioned above

Jonah Hill

Justin Bieber

Jake Gyllenhaal: Brokeback Mountain

Jonas Brothers

Zach Efron

Seth Rogen

Clay Akin

No wonder why America is filled with estrogen? Look at their idols. Do you think Clint Eastwood would agree to play a queer cowboy? Fuck  no!

This proof is why I say a big YES for steroids. Your boys will turn into men and baseball will no longer suck.

– Big Dave, BOOm!

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